Random Tails
by Dust Particle
Summary: Its about... Little Red Sleeping Beauty and the Hooded Sexy Beast..


**Little Red Sleeping Beauty and the Hooded Sexy Beast**

**A fairy tale… of sorts.**

An ordinary ball, a silvery bearded fairy godmother, a runaway furball, a scary werewolf, a magic mirror and more… sound familiar?

**Disclaimer: property of rowling.**

* * *

Once upon a time, in an alternate universe where most of the characters are in fact alive, a man running his fingers along his silvery beard began planning a way to screw up people's lives, without meaning to.

And what was better than a ball? With no particular reasons, since it wasn't Valentines, Christmas or any of the sort, he announced the get-together celebration anyway.

"My…. (deep breath) children! And fellow….(inhales once again) staff!" he announced.

"Tonight… we… will be… having a… (coughs, before plopping a square of butter menthol, in his mouth) (yes, he has finally ditched the lemon drops) a… what was I sayi- oh yes – a ball!"

The four tables began cheering, Hermione Granger cried in a not so happy way after remembering that she had her Potions and Arithmancy essay to do, which was not even due till next week and Severus Snape, outwardly cringed, the butter knife he clutched shaking viciously as he glared at the headmaster.

Meanwhile...

"Mirror mirror on the wall who's the fairest of them all?"

A face appeared, his own reflection of course.

"So true," he muttered and blew the mirror a pouty kiss before the door behind him blasted open, revealing a masked deatheater visibly rolling its eyes and leaning lazily against the frame as it took in the scene.

"I'd appreciate it if you'd knock before entering." Lucius snapped.

"I'll keep that in mind," a manly voice spoke, "wouldn't want to see you jacking off in front the mirror."

"Ha. Ha."

"Get dressed. We have a mission." Lucius obeyed the other deatheater, shrank the mirror, before one last glance, detached it from the wall and slipped it in his pocket.

Back at Hogwarts…

That night, Severus Snape and his anti-social grease of a being, wasn't allowed to wallow in his dungeons, instead Dumbledore thought better to assign him to patrol the halls while everyone else was having the time of their lives at the ball.

Hermione Granger, was in the girls dormitory, busy getting her two friends ready- not that she offered.

"Oh could you get that for me-no not that-that over there-look where I'm pointing to!?"

"Can you zip this up for me?"

"How do I look?"

"Can you braid my hair?"

Soon they were all in the common room, Harry and Ginny, Lavander and Ron… and Hermione, her rumpled casual clothes and hair in disarray.

"Sure you don't want to come?"

"I've got loads of homework and-"

"Suit yourself, bye 'mione!"

And they were gone. Leaving her and Crookshanks who was sitting by the fire near her books, all alone.

Hermione was halfway done with her Arithmancy essay when Dumbledore appeared with a pop right in front of her, the half-kneazle clawing madly at his feet until he realized he was standing on its tail.

"Oops. – Ah! Miss Granger, the person I was just looking for! What's this? – surely this can wait? Why not join us in the festivity?"

"Oh, no thank you headmaster."

"Nonsense. Ha!" he clapped his hands together. "Don't be a party pooper now. You sound just like Severus. – butter menthol?"

"No thanks," she declined politely.

"Right then – c'mon lets get you out of those muggle clothes!" Hermione's eyes bulged out and her jaw hit the floor.

"I beg your pardon?"

"You can't possibly go to a ball dressed like that!" Dumbledore lifted his wand before she could decline and waved it. After almost stripping her nude to few more abysmal attempts he finally settled her with a short black dress and fishnet stockings.

"Th-thank you sir, I think this is-is fine," she stuttered, trying hard not to faint. It was too tight and she could hardly breathe. Not to mention the two inch stilettos she was wearing, without previous experience, she was likely to trip any moment.

"Wonderful! Come down when your ready my dear!" He pranced away, humming to himself.

"Yeah right," she muttered after the portrait shut close, tried to reach the zipper on her back to take the ridiculous dress off, tripped backwards and stubbed her heel on Crookshanks tail which went right through. Both Hermione and the cat shrieked and she called after her familiar when it instantly vanished shortly after Dumbledore with its bloodied tail.

With no time to dress, she transfigured a red blanket slumped on the arm of a chair, into a cloak and chased after Crookshanks.

…

He headed to the kitchens, a cup of coffee in demand and found it bustling with little creatures and bulbous green eyes balancing towers of plates and plates of food.

"Watch it dopey! You no good son of a-"

"Hhuuhh- oh sorry."

"– Alright there? Calm down Grumpy!"

"Aaa-choo!"

He glanced around, poking the nearest houself in the ribs, which seemed to be dozing off.

"Don't bother sir, he-he won't wake up, hhe won't, he's always slee- sleeping," a houself piped up,stuttering as it chewed the end of its pillowcase of a shirt.

"Can we be of any assistance sir?" Another houself chirped in, wearing glasses, smiling widely as it waited for instructions.

"Just a cup of coffee, three sugars, no milk, thanks." (cause Severus likes it dark)

After the awkward visit in the kitchens, (that adds absolutely nothing to the plot) spent mostly by glaring at the little critters and fighting the nerve to poke the crap out of the sleeping elf to wake up he found himself in the halls again, pumped with caffeine and ready to pounce at any fifth years participating in inappropriate activities.

A solid figure crashed into him as he turned a corner, he cried out as something sharp stepped on his foot.

"Argh! – watch where you're-" he stopped her, hands on her arms, her nose almost touching his chest, before he pushed her off. "Ten points off- M-miss Granger! What is the mean-" he tried to find the words but just managed to eye her head to toe; tousled hair, red cloak that draped from her shoulders, bare arms, her tight black dress, her fishnet stockings down to the very object that stubbed his toe, which sent him wincing at the pain again.

"Have you seen Crookshanks?"

He narrowed his eyes questioningly.

"Ginger, large and chubby cat, blood pouring out of its tail? – yes? no? maybe?"

"I'm afraid not, " he glanced down at his shoe, "but do watch where you're going next time Miss Granger." He bit back a comment of her attire as he openly observed her.

"What?"

"Aren't you- what are you wea-… what-erm," he mumbled figuring out the least offensive way to say what he wanted to say. "It's the middle of winter Miss Granger, its snowing outside and the school is just as chilly," he finished lamely. Hermione immediately grabbed the sides of her cloak and covered herself with it.

"Yes… just so you know this wasn't my idea. I would never-" she stopped midway, catching a vanishing glimpse of orange from a distance. "Crookshanks!"

Severus' hair whipped the air as he turned his gaze (consisting of one curvy eyebrow) to follow Hermione in her red cloak, running unsteadily past him with her stiletto heels.

…

"Alright – so we just have to get into the grounds through the shrieking shack, then infiltrate the school while everyone's busy partying in the Great Hall, then from there we'll summon the others."

"Crash the party-"

"Blast the roof off the school-"

"Kill everyone-"

"Feed them to Nagini-"

"And keep partying."

"The man is a genius."

Lucius and the nameless deatheater reached the outskirts of Hogsmeade and entered the Shrieking Shack, the blond man once again observed his covered face on his pocket mirror.

"Here we are… now I think the passageway is just up those stairs… do you hear that?"

"Something scratching against the wall, furniture being ripped apart and a series of angry growling? Yes."

"Wonder what it is… let's go find out."

Wands at the ready, the other deatheater cast an _Alohamora _charm on door, unlocked it, stepped inside, to find, a pile of clothes on the floor and nothing else.

The two men exchanged glances, smirking evilly.

"Looks like we're getting in the way of some heavy action here, sorry to have disturbed thee," Lucius announced smugly, his grin fading as he turned around to see what the other deatheater was staring at. His heart missed a beat as a seven foot werewolf bared its razor knife fangs at them, chest heaving with each growing growl. Without further ado, both men started screaming for their dear lives in their ghostly black capes and intimidating masks, ran to the other side of the room with low hopes of surviving as the werewolf clawed at them.

Lucius fell, dropped his wand and his pocket mirror slipped from his robes.

Before the other death eater could cast a curse on the beast, his arm was ripped off causing him to scream in agony, till he was dizzy, fainted and fell out of the nearest window.

Lucius instantly reached for the mirror.

He only noticed the disappearance of his companion when he looked up in horror and found that he was alone with a feral werewolf and half an arm dangling from its mouth. He too fainted before he could run out of the wide open door.

The werewolf ate what was left of the arm, abandoned Lucius, unharmed for some unnatural reason, and made its way through a dark tunnel.

…

The ginger furball dashed out to the school grounds, Hermione chasing after it, a blood-stained trail to help her locate it. On the steps that lead outside something broke from below her causing her to trip and tumble down the steps, but was up in no time, limping after her familiar.

"Crookshanks! Come back you-!" She was getting twigs in her hair, caught in webs, grazed by branches and more twigs, heard a werewolf-sounding howl nearby but disregarded it, tripped in squelching mud, all for a rabid cat.

Tired, she leaned against a tree trunk to catch her breath and removed bits of mother nature from her nest of hair, until she heard a faint shriek.

The ginger creature appeared from behind some bushes, now sprinting madly towards her. Sighing in relief, arms outspread in hopes that Crookshanks had finally forgiven her, that notion hastily evaporated when a huge shadow emerged right behind it.

…

Dumbledore was still frolicking along the staff table and everyone else was hysterically high on spiked pumpkin juice and Severus was still miserably patrolling the halls.

Argus Filch stumbled out of nowhere with Mrs Norris.

"Professor Snape sir, m'thinks eh student is injured, sirs," he grumbled, "There seems to be eh a trail… of _bloooood_," he expressed the last word with additional twitching of the eye. Snape, if he was correct, knew this trail of 'blood' could only belong to a certain witch's familiar as he recalled it, 'ginger,large,chubby cat, blood pouring out of its tail'.

"Where is it?"

"Over there," he answered pointing his thumb backwards.

"I'll deal with it. Thank you Filch."

Severus briskly paced the halls to where the trail was located. There on the floor was a long glistening red stain that, as he tracked it, was leading towards the school grounds where he found, on the steps, not a shoe, but a broken heel of, no doubt, Miss Granger's scandalous stilettos.

"Damn that girl," he cursed, peering towards the darkness inwardly panicking before venturing off into the woods.

Before he reached it though, he heard a nearby howl, and hoping that it wasn't who he thought it was, he apparated to the Whomping Willow, over to the secret passageway and slid into the tunnel.

Lucius was lying on the floor, clutching something round, gold and shiny, there was a pile of clothes, blood splattered on the walls, a man-shaped hole in a window and no sign of Remus.

He took the pocket mirror of Lucius, the very same the man brought around everywhere he went. It wasn't an ordinary mirror, it was enchanted and showed you who _you _thought was the 'fairest of them all', as Lucius had put it.

He had an urge to roll his eyes. Panicking, and wanting to find out whether the mirror would be of any help, he peered into it anyway.

"... this is insane," he mumbled, "Show me where she is."

Nothing happened.

"Stupid bloody mirror!" he hissed.

"You- yeh.. have to- say 'mirror mirror on the…" Lucius muttered sluggishly, a messy black heap on the floor. "wall' – and all that… my mirror - mine… give me… my precious…"

Bringing up all the courage he could muster he deeply inhaled, without wasting any more time than was necessary because Hermione, for all we know could be in the middle of being teared to shreds at this very moment, Severus spoke, "Mirror mirror on the wall… who's the… (gulp) fairest of them all."

Of course, (for the sake of the story's pairing) Hermione's face appeared, then her whole body, the ginger cat, which she finally had found, clutched to her chest, both with terrified expressions. They were hiding behind a tree trunk, and as more of the scene came into view, he saw Remus in his full moon form lurking close behind.

He was out the door in no time, with the mirror.

And Lucius was furious, but was still in faint-mode to do anything about it.

…

The werewolf prowled and weaved in between the trees, catching a glimpse of Hermione's red cloak behind one. He pounced, Crookshanks squeezed out of her arms and darted away again, Remus inches away from Hermione's whimpering face, his werewolf claws dug deep into the tree trunk trapping her on either side with no escape.

And then (a herooo comes allooonnngg) all of a sudden- a red flash of light hit the werewolf's back and it howled in pain, a claw swiped the side of her temple as it swiftly turned around to be met with another curse and ropes snaking around its figure, dropping in defeat beside an unconscious Hermione.

Severus rushed over to Hermione, cast a temporary sealing charm to the wide cut where blood was seeping. He wrapped her entire body, pale and cold, with her red cloak and took her limp form in his arms.

…

Days passed. Severus had given Malfoy's mirror back, obliviating him as well.

Voldemort cast _Crucio_on Malfoy for the gazillionth time after failing yet another mission and fed the mirror to Nagini.

Dumbledore went back to his lemon drops.

Lucius cried himself asleep for days in bed, therefore, had undergone celibacy.

That pissed off Narcissa.

The other deatheather 'remains' unknown… no one really cared about him anyway.

And Hermione was still bedridden, in a coma of some sort.

Her friends panicking every hour of every day, a remorseful Remus at the foot of her bed, a patient Dumbledore, worry lines all over Mcgonagall's forehead and a very irritated potions master.

"Oh it's all my fault!" Remus cried combing his lanky fingers through his hair as he towered over the bed.

"Damn right." Severus snapped hands on hips, "we've tried everything… nothing seems to be working…"

He hadn't been sleeping well, pumped with caffeine by harassing houselves, he almost never left the infirmary.

"This is no one's fault now…" said Dumbledore reverently, with his gentle voice.

"…can't take it anymore," Severus mumbled.

"Can't take what?" Minerva inquired, he glared at her and muttered something about a 'stupid furball… pissing all over the sheets' before changing the topic.

A few hours later in the infirmary…

"You know, there's this muggle theory I've heard of, of what muggles do in these situations when one can't wake up," Ginny's eyes were glowing.

"And exactly what is that?" Harry eyed his girlfriend.

"Well, Ron you know right? – remember those muggle stories dad used to tell us before we went to bed."

"Urhm… oh yeah," Ron mumbled, his mouth in its usual chewing motion, "actually… what if it works? She is muggleborn after all."

"You don't mean to say-" harry choked on a jellybean, "_fairy tales?_" he laughed. "Those are fictional stories!"

"Nothing is impossible," Ginny scoffed, "it's worth a try."

"But… you're my girlfriend!" She rolled her eyes at the black haired boy.

"Not _you_!" She turned to her brother who was oblivious and preoccupied with the food in his mouth until realisation hit him.

"Have you gone completely bonkers? Lavander'll kill me!"

"Unless you want Hermione to be bed-ridden for the rest of her life!"

"I think it's a wonderful idea!" The twinkling eyes and the gleeful grin on Dumbledore, who popped out from nowhere, caused Ron to go green.

…

"Alright… so all you have to do Ron is lean over and give her a light kiss – on the lips or it won't work," Ginny instructed as they crowded around Hermione's bed.

"Of course it won't work! She doesn't even like me – I'm the last person she'd go out with – She's definitely not my type, nor I am hers. It's all about… dark, _mysterious_, _older _men-"

"Just do it Ron!" Harry and Ginny cried in unison.

"On with it Mr Weasley!"

"Fine… must you all watch?"

"Yes," Harry, Ginny, Dumbledore and an additional crowd including Remus, Mcgonagall, Madam Pomfrey and a purple-faced Neville lying on the bed beside her, all said in unison.

"Here goes," he gulped, sliding his hand under the nape of her neck and putting his other on the side of her face, he bent down slowly.

But of course, at that very moment the door nearly fell of its hinges as someone (three guesses who) blasted it open.

Neville wet his pants.

"He'll do no such thing!"

The potions master sent daggers at a now very frightened Ron, who backed away and started pointing at his younger sister stuttering, "it wasn't my idea- her's…hers!"

"Get out of my way Potter. Remus. Minerva – "

"Severus- what are you-"

He reached the bed, fixed the cuffs of his sleeves as if he was trying to prepare, moved a strand of hair off Hermione's face and gently slid hands under, cupping the nape of her neck to lift her head a little. And then he bent down.

"My god Severus what are you-! oh," Minerva blushed at embarrassment.

When he was done he glared at his colleagues.

"Yes… cause I'm a lecherous old man," he drawled in disbelief, capping the tube of potion which he had just tipped in Hermione's mouth. (Because Severus does not believe in muggle fairy tales, thus simply cannot end this scene with a kiss)

"I didn't-"

"Save it Minerva –"

"Look she's waking! It worked!" Remus cried happily and Severus winced as his co-worker grabbed Hermione's hand and squeezed it in relief.

…

A soft knock brought Severus attention from the huge red X's on the current essay in marking to the slowly opening door.

She stood before him fiddling with her fingers.

"Dumbledore's having another ball, after all that's happened…" she laughed feebly, "… are you going?"

"Miss Granger- I've no time for this-"

"I probably will," she laughed.

"Nothing I won't consider, however," he answered before he could stop himself.

"Well, I just wanted to-"

"-Retrieve your feral cat- give me a sec," he quickly exited the room and came back holding the ginger half-kneazle, rubbing its head on the sleeve of Severus' arms affectionately.

"He seems to like you-" he snorted at that. "Where did you find him?"

"Took me a whi- in the forest, where you left it."

"His tail – "

"Can't be saved, the hole is permanent."

"Oh- well anyway… thank you," she bit her bottom lip unable what else to say.

"Is there anything else Miss Granger?" he huffed in annoyance.

"Um actually there is- I wanted to-"

"Oh that's right – retrieve your heel,"

"My what?"

"You broke a heel that night… on the steps - I'll go get it," he said curtly before heading to the door again, returning and handing her the piece of shoe.

"Th-thank you?… just a heel… could have thrown it- don't really care…'s not even mine… they're Dumbledore's," she blabbered incoherently

"I have a class to teach in two minutes if you don't mind.. is that all?" Severus drawled.

"Well, to thank you for everything and all- I mean… they told me about everything… wouldn't have been able to look Ron in the eyes if he had… done that- he's like a brother to me… that would be just wrong… and he's not my type at all- and if it wasn't for you- "she rambled before scrunching her face, "what a stupid idea!"

"Miss Weasley's, if I'm correct."

"The Headmaster seemed to approve."

"Was quite keen actually."

"What has the world come to…"

Severus rolled his eyes and reached for his pocket watch.

"20, 19, 18, (irritated sigh) 17…"

And was speechless the next second.

Hermione on the tip of her toes, leaned towards her potions professor and pressed her lips on his left cheek, short and sweet, but enough to build some sort of intense tension, in other places as well.

"Miss (breathes heavily and gulps) Granger… I-I'm _afraid_-" he cringed, "that I need to teach now…" he said after what seemed like an hour, then he smirked. "but uh… was there anything else?"

…

Severus abandoned his classes that day, not that anyone complained, leaving an unsupervised group of minors causing havoc in front of his dungeons.

No one really knows what happened to Crookshanks after everything that had happened, he is lost again.

Basically, everyone lives happily ever after.

Thanks to Dumbledore, and his cunning plans on screwing up people's lives… sometimes for the better.

**THE END**

….

**Yes yes, they hook up, unrealistically fast, but it's a fairytale (bullshit).**


End file.
